Sobriety is only the Beginning
For many people, alcohol addiction can be a devastating and life-altering experience. It can take over every aspect of your life, leaving you feeling powerless and hopeless. However, with the right support and resources, it is possible to break free from addiction and live a healthy life in recovery.
We had the privilege of interviewing Shelby John, who has gone through this journey herself. She used to struggle with alcohol addiction, but has since overcome it and is now living a fulfilling life in recovery. Through her personal story and insights, we hope to shed light on the challenges of addiction, the power of recovery, and the importance of seeking help when needed.
What did your life look like before addiction?
When I was 5 years old, my biological father left our family. He remarried, had two sons, and left my sister and me behind. The abandonment by my biological father created the trauma neurological pathway that I was not good enough, not worthy of love. So for me, that’s when addiction started. There weren’t substances but there were a whole lot of lies I believed.
Thankfully, my mother remarried and I was raised as a typical young person growing up in a middle-class suburban family. But the damage was done and subsequent traumas helped carve that pathway deeper and deeper. This was the perfect setup for addiction. The pain of loneliness, despair, and chaos inside of me was a daily struggle. I was an average student, played sports, had a boyfriend (now my husband), and went to college. But I was never enough for myself or anyone else. That feeling made it easy for alcohol to grab a hold of me with the strength of a hawk’s talons and drag me through life.
What did active addiction look like for you?
For me, it was a downward spiral in active addiction. The chaos I felt–which I now know is anxiety–led to depression and a lack of self-worth. I was suicidal. I drank very often, I used food as a means of control, and I had inappropriate relationships with men. The substances took away any moral code I had–if it was ever there to begin with. I was selfish and self-centered, totally focused on my problems and how bad my life was. The compulsion to remove those feelings was consistent and powerful. I was the girl at the party who was always out of control. I would pre-drink while I was getting ready for things so people didn’t know how much I really had, throw up so I could drink more, and hide the “evidence” whenever possible. It was insanity. The year before I got sober, I had my second suicide attempt. I was lost and stuck and I was living in lies.
Did you have a turning point that made you want to start treatment/recovery?
At the end of my drinking, I faced a potentially career-ending legal situation as a direct result of my addiction. At that point, my family and my attorney decided it was time for me to go to treatment. I knew I was crazy but I didn’t think alcohol had anything to do with it. I didn’t want to lose my husband or my job but I also wasn’t interested in being sober. I did go to that treatment facility and after complaining and resisting for two weeks, I finally surrendered and asked my higher power for help. After that, I listened to what I was being taught. I became more open-hearted. I attended twelve-step meetings and worked the program seriously. I didn’t believe I was an alcoholic but I kept coming back. After about a year and a half, I finally began to accept who and what I was: a woman with a substance use problem. I continued to use 12-step programs for a long time, but also realized I needed more. I went to therapy, coaching, and started using alternative medicine, all of which really helped me change.
How did your loved ones respond to your addiction? Were they supportive when you started your recovery? Did their reactions change over time?
My family was beyond supportive. They apparently knew I had a problem for a long time before then. They helped me get into a treatment facility and were supportive when I got home. A lot had to change the way we ran our lives. My husband also stopped drinking in support of me. We reduced some of our social obligations and settings and focused on taking better care of ourselves.
What did treatment look like for you? What was the most helpful?
Inpatient treatment for me was 28 days and it was extremely helpful. I am a big fan of being removed from your environment and placed in a controlled situation where you can focus on yourself. Beyond that, twelve-step programs were very helpful for me. It provided a structure for me with specific habits and routines I did every day.
The recovery community is so good at embracing new people and pulling them in close. Getting involved in the program was what kept me sober and going each day. After a little time, I did need more so I engaged in therapy to heal the past trauma. Making good connections with people every day was a huge help as well.
What does your life look like since you’ve started recovery?
My life is 100% different today because I have been sober for decades and I am no longer living in lies. Doing the work to heal past trauma and build emotional sobriety allowed me to have a freedom today I never experienced in my life. I have three older teens, I have been married to my high school sweetheart for 25 years, and feel joy beyond my own understanding.
Recovery has allowed me to intuitively know how to handle situations. My life has not been Disney World for sure. It is real and raw, vulnerable, joyful and serene. And when I stopped living in lies, I still had to clean my house, pay my bills and argue with my kids. But when I stopped living in lies, I got reacquainted with the power of making my own choices and with the power of living in my truth.
Recovery isn’t always a straight line. Have you ever had a misstep in your recovery?
I haven’t picked up alcohol or drugs since I got sober in July 2002. However, I believe addiction can show up in many forms. In times of extreme stress and chaos, I have reverted to some of my old ways of withholding food, obsessing about exercise, or perfectionism.
We went through a very difficult 4 years with our kids in high school with pretty intense trauma and stress. Then COVID hit. During that time, I really struggled with a lot of fear and anxiety related to my children. I could feel myself spiraling out of control (similar to how I was in active addiction). I would try to take care of myself but then I just wouldn’t. I started binge eating to soothe the difficult emotions and gained quite a bit of weight. I have also done things like start a business, seek other streams of income, follow the shiny objects in a very compulsive way during times of discomfort.
So no I haven’t “relapsed” but I have had periods of time that felt very similar to how I was at the end of my drinking and I have found “ways” to soothe myself that look a lot like addiction. Today, I am very aware of these tendencies and work hard to stay very even emotionally and to catch things before they start.
How have you been taking care of your mental health since starting recovery?
Up and down but I would say overall pretty stable. What’s mostly different today is I have hope. I know that life is hard for most people and when I focus on the things I can do rather than what I can’t, it's a lot easier. I have been through some very rough times in recovery and been able to use my resources to support myself (even when sometimes I slip a little). Today, I know how to get the help I need, which is huge.
What does your life look like today?
Today, I have been sober for 20 years. I am the mother of three older teenagers and married for 25 years. I work as a mental health therapist in my own practice and offer coaching for sober women who want to uncover the truth about the lies they believe. I focus a lot of my attention on maintaining good health mentally and physically. I do this with very strong routines and habits that are in place every single day. I also have a strong spiritual practice that feels comfortable and supportive to me. I keep my life as simple as I can with all that is going on. I am obsessed with my dogs and love to serve the recovery community however I can.
What would you tell people who are new to recovery?
Don’t give up before the miracle happens. I would tell them to find the people who have what you want and follow them. Stick with the winners. Get therapy, coaching, etc. to support you in healing the past and in laying the foundation for what you want your future to look like. Focus on the “why” of your recovery. Why do you want to be sober? Look at that every day and when the cravings and triggers come up: add that to your toolbox. Starting over never feels good so the less you have to do that the better. Your life can be what you want it to be when you have stable recovery.
Is there anything else you’d like to tell us about?
I am beyond grateful today for the life I have. I was given a second chance. I never expected to live to be thirty years old and here I am at 47. My worst days today are NOWHERE close to what my best days were in active addiction. And experience tells me that it will only get better.
