My name is Erin and I am a mom of two boys, one of whom I recently lost to fentanyl poisoning. Logan, forever 19 years old, was found in his dorm room bed on Valentine’s Day 2021.
Our story with Logan began many years ago when we noticed him feeling depressed and dealing with issues around anxiety. Logan went through a few significant deaths early in his life and struggled in therapy to verbalize and work through his grief. Logan was the kid who was left out, the odd one, made fun of and bullied in school. This all seemed to change when he found kids who finally accepted him. But we noticed he began to change as well.
Around age 14, after knee surgery, he began taking pills and getting high from his post-surgery medication. We responded rapidly with more therapy, locking up medication, etc. I am a Licensed Clinical Therapist so I was very intuned with Logan’s behavioral changes.
His addiction began to change our home dynamics and “chip away” at the positive things we built in our family. We had been the family who took trips, went to church, celebrated birthdays, worked on crafts and projects together, spent hours practicing and traveling for baseball, and had family dinners together.
By the age of 15, Logan was actively seeking out pills and we were seeking out in-state treatment programs–all of which seemed to fail. Logan’s grades and interest in sports slowly declined as we wrestled with what to do and where to turn.
After a suicide attempt–by taking a bottle of ibuprofen and melatonin–we decided to look into faith-based out-of-state programs. We found a 40-acre ranch-style, dual-diagnosis program in Texas and enrolled Logan for 90 days. During that time, we flew down every weekend for family therapy to support Logan in every way we could. Once Logan returned from Texas, we were overjoyed and felt like we had our son back! He was strong in his faith, sober, and spending time with his family.
A month later, he was re-introduced back to his high school and began hanging out with his old group of friends. Within a week, he was using again.
This was a turning point in Logan’s life because things went downhill from here. Logan began to change. He became aggressive, combative, and extremely difficult. He showed signs of consistent addiction and we felt helpless. We were desperately trying to save our son, help our other son, and keep our marriage together.
Later that year, at age 17, Logan decided to leave home and couch surf. At that time, we couldn’t understand why he would give up his warm home, family, cats, little brother, unity, etc. Now, looking back, we now know it was his addiction. His addiction had a magnetic pull over him that took him from us.
During the fall of 2020, Logan was beginning college at the University of WI Milwaukee. We made multiple successful attempts to connect with him and restore our relationship while trying to accept he had to make his own choices.
For a few months, Logan was coming back home for weekends and we were trying to reconnect with him. The last day we ever saw him was late in November, after he was home for his birthday celebration.
He communicated with us almost daily through December and January–but we definitely felt that “magnetic pull” away from us. Little did we know his substance use was increasing deeper and deeper as he had been spending more and more time with a new girlfriend. On Valentine’s Day at 8:37 pm, we received a call from a friend of Logan’s telling us to call the University Police. He sounded frantic but didn’t say anything else. We ended up driving down to campus only to find out our sweet son Logan, age 19, had been found in his dorm room dead.
Now, 17 months later, we have been able to connect so many dots. Logan pulling away from us was caused by his addiction. He knew he was loved and that we would have gone to the ends of the earth to help him. Logan just wasn’t ready. His toxicology showed 3 different forms of fentanyl from the pill he took that night.
We believe Logan was rescued from this world and from his addiction. Our faith and belief that Logan was redeemed has helped us in our advocacy efforts. There is so much stigma surrounding addiction–but drugs do not discriminate! Pills are so desensitized because kids grow up taking a pill for anything–allergies, infections, headaches, etc. So when they get offered a pill, it’s “no big deal.” We need to start educating families and children that ONE TIME can kill and ONE TIME can give you an addiction you never intended to have.
