My dual life led me to my decent to hell. My dual life started the exact second my drug of choice entered my bloodstream. I went from 0 mph to 110 mph instantly. Hooked, line and sinker. That was it! I was awake. I felt strong.
I felt confident. I felt that I could take on the world. This life was fun, exciting, explosive, raw, risky, sexually. It was a life so exhilarating, so phenomenal compared to my stale, routined, boring, dull, single life.
I was a dedicated, "employee of the month" mentor, multitasker, punctual and stellar employee. The second I would clock out is when my using would start. Sometimes I couldn't even wait until I got home, so I used the minute I got into my car in the employee's parking lot.
I was hooked and used up to 2 to 3X daily and by the time of my decent, I was using up to 5 to 6X a day. The more frequent I used, the amount I used was more.
I led this dual life, this new life for 3 years. When I started losing weight everyone thought I was working out. I started wearing concealer to hide the dark circles under my eyes. When I knew that my body needed rest/sleep after being up for 2 to 4 days, I would take another drug to bring me down. I forgot if I ate or not, showered or not, worked or not, my cell on or off.
It was on a Wednesday, when my boss made a call to do a welfare check on me. It was the third day I didn't show up for work. I remember waking up in a hospital bed, tubes in and out of me, arms restrained, tube down my throat. I was confused, I thought I was dreaming.
It was then I saw my best friend. Then the nurse came in, tube down my throat out. My friend told me that I was in a coma for 3 days and that when I was found, my blood pressure was so low, it wouldn't even register.
My hospital stay was 10 days and my dual life was exposed. When I got home, my best friend told me what the condition my apartment was in when they found me. He took pictures to show me what had become of my home, my life. He was crying. I asked about my family. He said he called them, but they never came. He didn't have to say anymore. I have never seen or heard from them since. My employer let me go. The eviction notice was given. My cell disconnected. My bills in collections. My car repo'ed.
My friend let me stay with him and helped get me seek out treatment. I was so weak. I went from 165 lbs down to 115 lbs. I didn't even recognize myself.
I was admitted into treatment two weeks to the day I was discharged from the hospital. I was disten, quiet, negative, angry, embarrassed, ashamed and in denial.
Slowly, I started opening up, becoming positive, being less angry and taking accountability and taking responsibility for my actions. I was in treatment for a total of 110 days, set up in a sober house, going to NA meetings, working with a sponsor and slowly taking back my life. I have been sober since the day I overdosed and almost died.
To this day, I still have some nightmares, triggers that happen, but have lessened. I will always be a drug addict, but my drug addiction does not define me. My addiction is part of me, my recovery is my life.
To this day, I have not heard from my family, but I have made peace with that. I had to let it go to move on with my life. But in return, I was adopted into a nonjudgemental, a more loving and caring family of many.
I have 13 months of clean time and I couldn't be happier. I truly live "one day at a time"..because you are not promised tomorrow.
Please help to end the stigma of drug addiction and mental illness. Peace
Be true to yourself. Be real. Have a support system. Don't become complacent. Be open. If you need help, seek out or ask someone to talk to, to help you. Reach out. Educate, Educate, Educate.