As I step back to look at my life now in recovery, committed to sobriety and sincere honesty, I see peace and feel the love from my children...though bittersweet to say the least. I wanted an escape and found it in drugs. My husband jumped into my addiction and we quickly lost everything we had worked so hard to build as a family; including our home, two cars, great jobs, all our savings, and every last bit of any pride. We stopped being parents and sent our daughter to live with grandparents while we ran the streets and let our marriage morph into a codependent nightmare. Only enabling each other I tried getting sober without him and it worked.
However, we quickly grew apart and I seemingly became his enemy once I stopped supporting the lifestyle. In a desperate move to "save" our marriage I started using with him again and quickly got out of hand; doing more and more every day and blaming him for this and the place I was in once again after I had worked so hard to get sober. I begged him countless times to get sober with me and every promise he made to me to stop was easily broken by this monster he had become. He started checking into detoxes and walking out countless times. He is out there somewhere, hopefully alive, lost in his addiction, no longer the man I fell in love with. We had a second child barely one month old and I am committed to these girls and to my sobriety. I refuse to let my heart fool my brain with any more distraction that his choices impose on my life. He obviously doesn't want it. I am filing for divorce and safe with both daughters in my parents home. Committed to growth, honesty, and staying sober; I had to let him go and keep pushing forward.
U will never successfully change anyone but yourself. The quicker you believe this, the less likely you are to lose your own focus and sanity.