Here is an excerpt of a letter Barry wrote to me while in treatment in September 2008. He had been sober about three weeks. He was in a Dual Diagnosis treatment center, on mental health meds, but not feeling regulated yet. Sadly, he never did feel regulated on meds.
These are Barry's words...
"Depression is like an accomplice to my addiction; they work together in their crimes tormenting my mind and soul. When the depression is arrested the addiction can't work hard enough to bring me down, but when depression runs free, I struggle hard fighting my addiction. But a great choice sits before me when they both run ramped. "Use or don't Use!" The depression makes me miserable no matter what choice I choose, the difference is the level of suffering I go through and the damage done to my mind is like night and day! I suffer brain damage and emotional distortions when I don't use on such a HIGH level, like I said it's like night & day. But if I do use I suffer mild brain damage and minor distortions of emotions and lose my soul in the process. ( Soul Not Spirit, Example: Soul is your personality and thought process, spirit is your life "everlasting" ) My Spirit belongs to Yahweh, but my soul is what makes me unique to my passions here on earth. I hope this does not confuse you. This is just how I know this thing to work, and the only way I can explain it.
Using dope I save my mind and protect my emotions more than I would not using, but I lose my soul and suffer inescapable bodily damage, which is rather minor compared to not using. Now when I refrain I can keep my soul but I lose my mind, thus resulting in my emotions tormenting me, without rest. Both ways are deadly, but the difference is I die in peace. I'm still dying mother, I can't change the way I was made. I just want you to understand me in the end."
Barry Falzone, 2008