I would like to thank everyone for coming today….As much as it sucks being here I am eternally grateful for everyone that is here to celebrate my mom for who she was.
It’s no secret that my mother wasn’t a perfect person. She had her demons and her faults. She had her lies and her secrets...but it wasn’t her. It never was. It was a thing that had come into her life and stole her from me long before I was ever born. And unfortunately it’s what brings us all here today.
They say when a loved one dies...you feel this overwhelming grief and sadness. You do things differently, you act different...you ARE different. And it’s true, because something that was such a constant in your life is now gone. You can’t just pick up a phone and call them or skype them or go down the street and go see them. Instead you visit a grave, a memorial...an urn, and you mourn them. You talk to them and about them but it’s not the same.
I loved my mom.I loved the mom that baked cookies with me on the weekends we had together, or would paint my new furniture with me that I kept at her house. The mom that threw a hawaiin themed surprise party for me and decided it was a good idea to host four crazy teenage girls for halloween. But that mom wasn’t able to stay...as much as she tried and I know she did.
Addiction is a TERRIBLE thing. And for 27 years I was by my mom as she struggled with it. I took care of her, lied for her and tried to protect her. Because as much as I hated what she was doing she was still my mom and I loved her. I had always hoped that she would come back to me. She would come back and be who she was...what I always needed her to be.
I haven’t spoken to my mom for almost two years. I couldn’t do it anymore and as much as it pained me, I had hoped that it would give her a wake up call and bring her back to me. It did...just not in the way that I had wanted.
When two people are connected, soulmates, parents and children, or even best friends...there is this string that is run between them. You know that no matter what is going on, if you pull it then they will be there. Right now..i’m pulling on this string and there’s nothing on the other end and I don’t know how to handle it.
This last week, I’ve been doing a good job at bottling my emotions up and locking them away. Bottling up the guilt and anger and resentment I have because I know that she wouldn’t want me to feel this way. She wouldn’t want me to be so angry with myself because I didn’t do more to help her... because I know that even though she couldn’t tell me, that she loved me and she knew I loved her.
So for now, I’m going to remember her for who she was. The woman who loved me even on her darkest days. The one who sang to me and supported me. The part of her who was truly and completely my mom. And everyone else here should do the same in knowing that she is finally free and happy and most importantly she’s home with her mom and dad who love her very, very much.
In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels. May we meet again.